The Flammers Bible

1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies
   sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly."
   "Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."
   
2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've
   heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college.
   Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent.
   "Polly Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting,
   shows she has a bad case of penis envy."
   
3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for
   the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From
   rec.arts.wobegon to alt.gourmand, they're all holding their
   breaths until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.
   
4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason
   can't possibly be that you're a fuckhead. There's obviously
   a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire
   net a favor by exposing it.
   
5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the
   Yin & Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always
   considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted
   to the wrong group, Bertha has libeled me, slandered me,
   and sodomized me. See you in court, Bertha."
   
6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus
   states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you
   should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written
   an article on Harry's pasta preferences, then Harry's obviously
   lying.
   
7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca
   of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least
   three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are
   "ad nauseum," "vini, vidi, vici," and "fetuccini alfredo."
   
8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to
   convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell
   them? State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks
   of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam
   since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs,
   MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic' ."
   
9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American
   citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as
   guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries
   to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is
   either a communist, a fascist, or both.
   
10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent,
    have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you
    should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY
    DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers' logic.
    
11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.
    
12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember
    this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer
    you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is
    better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear
    apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At
    this point, there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!!
    "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables."
    

Lazer_X wrote:You forgot a rule, and by that insulting flamers. See you in court, Leidolfr.